Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Raising Children

http://www.rigorousintuition.ca/board2/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=26332&hilit=child+rearing+thread

From the; ‘we need to figure this thing out’ thread

My wife and I had a fairly simple recipe for how we raised our two daughters. It derives from certain opinions I have in regard to the nature of being.

Back in the day our friends with kids were Buddhists and co-oper type liberals and hippies. Their kids are grown now also and have turned out well (for the most part), but, Oh the drama, in getting there. My friends did not care much for my theories so I did not push them, but time has vindicated this approach, at least in my mind.

First I will describe the ‘recipe’ and its basis, and then I can go on about implications (till the cows come home.)

The recipe relies on getting in synch with the changing nature and current level of development of consciousness. When children are young they look to the parent to inform them about this new big big world that can in fact be very confusing. Having clear boundary conditions helps the young child develop stable self-image. This involves simple things like not eating on the couch, picking up toys, consistent bedtime, being polite, etc. It is also good for young children to know that they do not get things simply because they want them. No problem there as we were of modest means anyway.

The key to this recipe is that the manner of interaction changes as soon as the analytical mind of the child starts to kick in, usually around seven years of age. At this point the ingredients for growing a stable and healthy self-image in the child changes. We learn by making decisions and the more practice one has the more confidence one will have. Transferring decision making opportunities to the child early, but not too early, provides many benefits. There is validation for practice and an implied assumption that you are responsible for what you make of your life. But the best part is that the child is not inclined to internal dialogue that lives in resentment of external impositions. They will also sub-consciously retain the stable boundary conditions because they were not brought into question along with a bunch of other bullshit parental impositions.

In our household there was no teenage rebellion, as there was nothing to rebel against, and very little drama. I became a master of distraction with the most extreme form of discipline being what I called ‘the talking cure’. I will admit that it was a bit self indulgent as it involved a monologue with big words and abstract treatment of various philosophical concepts. The older daughter, being rather conventional (NT) in her mentality, did not much care for my ramblings, but our younger daughter thanked me years later after receiving compliments from teachers and realizing that she has a large vocabulary. Appeals for word definitions were after all a legitimate means for stopping or at least creating a break in my mad monologues. I think this mostly was the preferred coping mechanism for my wife. (My wife and daughter are in the room as I write this. I was laughing as the preceding sentences were written so I read a bit back to them, they seemed to approve.)

Even though our second daughter is quite an underachiever, both daughters have done quite well at finding ‘happy places’ in this weird world. While one daughter is conservative and religious and the other is liberal and atheist, we all get along fine and both agree and understand about my opinions in regard to child rearing, (and this makes me a very happy grandpa). In my world, how a person thinks matters more than what a person thinks.

It may be noticed that this is different from both liberal and conservative child rearing styles. Imo, the liberal is too loose with children when they are young and conservatives are too controlling for too long. The liberal will often realize too late, a need to rein the child in. Too bad, so sad. Without early and clear boundaries the child is left with a need to test and push at everything. How else are they to learn the difference between right and wrong, if the parent never (fucking) told them? The conservative on the other hand tends to impose the boundary conditions abusively and for too long, producing cowed conformists or flaming rebels. And it’s all done with the best of intentions.

There are similarities in why and how social institutions and insecure parents abuse their authority. Both tend to inhibit possibilities that result from a naturally developing consciousness. There would seem to be an inherent desire to minimize the value of any possibilities that may threaten the institutions credibility or existence. Institutions then tend to ‘fix’ belief in a way similar to the individual clinging to (and imposing on children) belief in order to cover up some existential insecurity.

As above, so below.


I should probably stop now, but thanks to all for considering, disputing or examining further implications of these ideas.

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